Fireworks for the People

Ah yes, explosions. We all kind of love them (unless you're a dog, asleep, safety conscious, averse to loud noises in general, favor creativity that doesn't involve destruction, etc) enough to go "oooo" and "aaaah" once or twice a year, depending on how warm New Year's Eve is.

Or do we? With so many things to worry about, you'd think we would be ignoring the occasional decorative kaboom, but the news in New York has been awash in fireworks these days.

First, the city fell apart. The budget exploded! As offices shut down and tax revenue plummeted, the city's budget went "poof" in a gaggle of news reports. Vital services were shut down - composting halted, for one - and yet, our leader-in-name-only Bill DeBlasio announced just a month into the shutdown that we had no reason to fear, for the fourth of July festivities would take place as planned! That's right - in a time when the city was hemorrhaging money, the mayor had the fearless vision to just blow some more money up in the sky. You are just a quick google away from finding how much one of these shows might cost, but I'm not going to do all your research for you. Maybe several million dollars worth? But who cares, explosions, right?

New York City got the message! While it's still illegal to throw explosives at cop cars and law enforcement will bring the brunt of the entire legal system to bear on anyone who tries a productive explosion, explosions in the sky are largely ignored!  And as fun as they are, fireworks you can buy will not harm a police car, so it really seems not to bother the police at all (if it did, they would simply run over some pedestrians).

 

And so, New Yorkers hopped into their cars (I assume?), drove to Pennsylvania where you can buy anything, and filled the trunks with explosives before returning to the city to set them all off. Even in my quiet neighborhood I hear the odd pop at the odd hour (kudos to the fellow who stayed up til 4:40 am to blow his load into the sky this morning).

Being New Yorkers, a fair number of us are doing our duty to preserve our reputation and complain about the seemingly random explosions now common in the city. Some even got in cars and drove around the upper east side (close to the home of mystic visionary DeBlasio) and honked their horns, which studies prove is the best way to demonstrate that you understand the optimum usage of cars in this city.

Most recently, in what I can only assume is a cruel joke, DeBlasio announced that the Macy's fireworks wouldn't take place the way that they have in the past (from expensive barges) but rather, from covert locations, unannounced, over the course of a week. That's right - you never know when the sky above your head will combust into fire sprinkles, but instead of some teens who haven't had social interaction for the past few months, it will be a massive retailer setting them off! Good thing the city can still funnel money to those guys.

The truly astonishing thing about this is how clearly this shows how if you want to do something wildly unpopular, the easiest way to do it is to become a corporation. Quite frankly, I don't care about the fireworks one way or another. My pyromania has evolved through several steps from when I was a child and burned leaves with a magnifying glass. In my teenage years, sure, I longed after strings of firecrackers and would try to time them so that I could chuck them into rivers like miniature depth charges. In college I was arrested with a potato cannon (dear employers - all charges were dismissed, because this is not against the law. Also, the police confiscated it, never gave it back, and I guarantee it is in Long Island being used at least once a year). These days, I hope to metaphorically burn our consumer society to the ground, which does not require or benefit from fireworks. But I have spent the past week listening to the mayor promise to crack down on rowdy New Yorkers blowing things up, and now that same deranged tall man who lives in Gracie Mansion is explaining that Macy's is allowed to run amok in the city and blow things up - AND THE CITY WILL PAY THEM.

The only consolation for those of us whose heads are still reeling from the whiplash of this cognitive dissonance is that the NYPD have also stopped caring about cracking down on fireworks because they will not lift a finger to help DeBlasio any more, and who can blame them?

Fortunately, I have a solution to propose for the honest, law abiding citizens of this city: Macy's will blow things up unnanounced and get paid for it. If they are allowed to do so, the citizens of New York should be allowed to take advantage of unannounced sales at Macy's of up to 100% off for up to the full cost of the firework display. No need to have the discount applied at the checkout lane - just walk on out. It seems only fair.